In yet another blow to academic freedom of speech, far-right provocateur and political activist Tommy Robinson has been mauled by cougars moments before taking part in Wednesday’s controversial Oxford Union ‘Islam’ debate.
Robinson, whose acceptance of the famous debating society’s invitation had attracted both support and outrage, was seen smiling and waving to crowds of protesters before the freak cougar assault descended from above, prompting exasperated outcry from all present.
Known for their powerful forelegs and vast incisors, the cats were easily able to enter the union’s compound by leaping the wall, and seemingly chose their target at random. Anneliese Dodds, Labour MP for Oxford East, explained that this was the type of unrest that always follows a figure like Robinson.
“Policing an event like this isn’t just disproportionately expensive - it also diverts resources away from essential cougar repulsion efforts across the city,” she explained. “This probably would never have happened if they had chosen someone more amenable, like Charli XCX, for the Islam debate.”
Both critics and supporters of Robinson were left cold by the unexpected turn of events.
“Once again, we had the chance to finally stop racism and, once again, an unexplained wildlife attack has intervened,” said Brianna Curth of Stand Up To Racism.
“We came to express condemnation at how readily a prestigious society invited a known fascist to speak on a topic as vast as an entire world religion, and now find our point entirely moot. Random acts of violence like this make it less likely that we are able to express our own targeted acts of violence, and we are sorry for the missed opportunity.”
“We wonder if all the noise we were making may have attracted the predators, as well as all the attention this incident has bought to Robinson’s profile and rhetoric. Whether it would have been better to let this episode to slide quietly into a non-event, we will never know.”
Colin Steepler, a flag-bearing supporter of Robinson’s dressed in all-black and wearing tactical gloves, lamented events and denied coming to Oxford to stir up trouble.
“This was a colossal waste of nine Carlings that could have gone towards a different daytime train journey instead.”
Several businesses had to close because of the threat of unrest, losing revenue from England’s first World Cup match against Croatia, though those that stayed open reported a fresh influx of sales from prowling, snarling visitors to the historic city.